


Diary of a Madman

by Erait_Kai



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Ajan Kloss, Artist Kylo Ren, Crait (Star Wars), Diary/Journal, F/M, Kylo Ren Angst, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, Kylo Ren is a Mess, Not Canon Compliant - Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Post-Star Wars: The Last Jedi, Pre-Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Sexual Content, Supreme Leader Kylo Ren, Very Secret Diary
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-17
Updated: 2021-01-17
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:08:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25945603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Erait_Kai/pseuds/Erait_Kai
Summary: Rey finds Kylo’s journal, a bound book written in calligraphy. Set immediately after the Battle of Crait. What she finds in it is...interesting.
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 7
Kudos: 52





	1. Crait

**Author's Note:**

> I was listening to Diary of a Madman/Lovesong the other day, and this just popped into my head. Just a lil one shot, but I might add to it in the future ;)  
> Check out the song here - the lyrics really go along with what Kylo is writing (and, they’re the italicized bits): https://youtu.be/zryIwXPA4gg  
> Sketch of Rey (not by me!): https://www.etsy.com/ca/listing/567879948/rey-from-star-wars-pencil-drawing-fine  
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy!

In her newly-assembled quarters on Ajan Kloss, Leia held the beautiful leather-bound book in her hands. Her thumb grazed the cover as she sighed. “When Ben was a boy, he would always keep a journal. Writing helped to centre him and calm his emotions.”

“An actual paper journal? With real ink?” Rey was taken aback.

She nodded, her eyes sad as she revisited the past. “Yes - part of the education I set out for him was how to write, and he loved calligraphy.”

“But no one writes anymore. Everyone uses data pads.”

“It would appear that he still does.” Leia caressed the cover once more, then handed it to Rey.

Rey shook her head. “But he’s your son. You should read it.”

“No. This is for you. You’re our last hope against Kylo Ren. Read it.”

****

Rey moved through the jungle, almost to her destination. She wanted to be alone while she did this.

Perched on a rock overlooking a great ravine, Rey placed the journal on her lap. She didn’t feel especially good about what she was about to do - it was a total invasion of privacy - but, Leia was right. It could be helpful in their fight. Rey let the book open, and it flipped to the most recent entry, marked by a strip of leather. Her eyes opened wide in shocked disbelief.

It was her. On the left, he had drawn her over and over again. A doodle of her eyes, a profile, her hand reaching out...

Rey snapped the book shut. She was mortified. Taking a few deep breaths, she brought her feelings under control. This wasn’t a journal! It was a diary, obviously private and full of...intimate things. If he had been drawing her, what else was she going to find inside? She groaned. Thank the Force she had tightly closed the bond. He would not be happy about this.

Grudgingly, she reopened the book and began.

**CRAIT**

_Screaming at the window...._

I told them to blast you out of the sky

Your betrayal and rejection

Further consigned me to my doom

But know I could never hurt you

_Watch me die another day..._

You left me alone

When you told me I’d never be again

I am weak, I believed you

But I am loathsome to you

_Hopeless situation..._

You wouldn’t take my hand

But I swear I saw that you would

I killed him for us

Just another reminder of what I am

_Endless price I'll have to pay..._

I’ll never be free of this pain

The things I have done haunt me

I was always an inconvenience

And so I embrace this rage

_Diary of, of a madman..._

I am a monster

Why would you ever want me

Yet I saw us together

I will not stop until you are mine

_Walk the line again today..._

Marching to my end

I never wanted the throne

I just couldn’t bare you gone

I only know pain

_Entries of confusion..._

I don’t remember when I knew

But you were a Goddess in the snowy forest

You’ve always been there

I’ve known you forever

_Dear diary, I'm here to stay..._

I’m trapped in my mind

Replaying every moment with you

How will this vision come to pass?

Please may the Force will guide me

_Sanity now and beyond me_

_I will always love you._

_However long I stay_

_I will always love you._

_Whatever words I say_

_I will always love you._

_There's no choice._

I’m so sorry

I spoke the wrong words

Did you understand me?

You are everything

_Whenever I'm alone with you_

_You make me feel like I'm hopeless..._

You are everything

My missing piece

Be with me and I will worship you

I will give you the galaxy

_Voices in the darkness..._

Echo though the speaker’s dead

Telling me I am nothing

No one wanted me

I am alone

_Scream away my mental health..._

Haunted and lost

I am abandoned

I cannot be free of this conflict

I killed my own father

_Can I ask a question..._

Why did you go

What did you see

Us together but how

Why are we tortured by the Force

_To help me save me from myself?_

No....I’m not worthy of you

Leave me alone

You’re just like all the rest

I am nothing without you

_Sanity now and beyond me_

_I will always love you._

_However long I stay_

_I will always love you._

_Whatever words I say_

_I will always love you._

_There's no choice._

_I will always love you_

Rey

_I will always love you_

Rey

_I will always love you_

Rey

_I will always love you_

Rey

_I will always love you_

Rey

_I will always love you_

Rey

_Whenever I'm alone with you..._

You make me feel

_You make me feel like I'm whole again..._

You spoke my name

_Whenever I'm alone with you..._

I want you in my arms

_You make me feel like I'm whole again..._

I started to remember

_I will always love you_

_There's no choice..._

It is our fate

You will be mine

You will take my hand

And we will be one

We will shake the stars

Save me

Rey

I love you

****

She held the book open for awhile, staring at the pages in disbelief. His strange, disjointed writings glared up at her written in a beautiful hand. The same hand that she had so wanted to take.

Slowly and carefully, she closed the volume. She couldn’t tell Leia what was in there. She didn’t even know if she wanted to know what graced the pages of the first, unread half.

What she did know was this: Ben was screaming to get out, Kylo was extremely messed up right now, and...he loved her.


	2. Connection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey finishes reading Kylo's diary and makes a startling discovery.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well! Here I was just going to do a one-shot, but twist my rubber arm lol.  
> Poor Kylo/Ben, you gotta feel for the guy!  
> This chapter's musical inspiration: https://youtu.be/5bt7kAVxKfs
> 
> Enjoy!!

The next day Rey worked herself hard - first she trained, then she helped with repairs. She wanted to forget the words she had read yesterday - and the implications they held.

Everyone was quite busy, so her friends didn’t notice how she would occasionally stare off into space. Finn would go check on Rose from time to time. She had just come out of the bacta tank and would be back on her feet by tomorrow. Rey decided she’d go visit her tonight - she had saved her best friend after all, and she wanted to get to know the mechanic better.

After grabbing some rations, then visiting with Rose, Rey boarded the Falcon. Chewie had suggested that Rey stay there until she had time to build a proper shelter, and he wanted to camp in the forest. A quick sonic shower later, she collapsed gratefully onto her bunk. She and Rose had really bonded, and Rey was happy to have made a new friend. She imagined that’s what it felt like to have a sister, and it was wonderful.

Then, she felt it. A slight pushing through the Force; a nudge against the barrier she had erected. Her breath caught in her throat - he was trying to open the connection! Slightly panicked that her wall wouldn’t hold, she waited. After a few minutes, the feeling subsided and he was gone. Exhaling slowly, Rey closed her eyes. Eventually she’d have to face him, but not yet - not now, she couldn’t. She felt guilt at denying him - through she was still angry, her thoughts drifted back to the words she read yesterday. He was obviously very hurt and not thinking clearly at all. He needed help and was hoping to find her in his time of need. She couldn’t lie to herself about her attraction to him either.

Did she dare read more? Yes. She needed to understand, not only for her sake, but for Leia’s - and Ben’s. She picked up the diary and began to read.

She read long into the night, from Kylo Ren’s beginnings, to his hunt for Lor San Tekka and the map to Skywalker, his opposition of Hux’s Starkiller Base, and their encounter after Han Solo’s death.

Then he started sketching her. The Warrior Goddess. The Light to his Dark. He began adding notes - thoughts about who she could be and why they were connecting like they were through the Force. Then he wrote about the night that they physically touched hands through the Force. His style of writing was completely different - it was fluid and quite unlike the disjointed sentences she read the night before.

**CONNECTION**

When we touched I saw more than I did before on Starkiller...

Then Luke appeared and severed our connection. 

But, now she knows what he did to me and why I am what I am.

Why is the Force connecting us in this way?

In a vision, I saw our future - 

She stood by my side, a dark and glorious Empress, absolutely breathtaking

And she was mine; she wanted me as much as I want her.

Four days ago I’d never seen her face before, though I feel as if I’ve known her all along.

The thought of her with me is obsessing me, I want her more than everything I’ve attained so far. 

Because...I’ve ever only known loneliness. 

I feel the Force telling me that she is my destiny, and she knows it too.

Other visions have come to me since then:

We stand together hand in hand, and she is heavy with my child. 

We are happy.

It’s the pull of the Light, always clouding my thoughts. 

But I can’t help but feel a yearning for it...

Snoke is no longer here to punish me.

Should I deny it or accept it?

The nightmares have stopped since that night.

My dreams are filled with her, and with them emotions I have long fought to repress.

Last night, I dreamt we were at the lake house on Naboo.

Her hair was loose, fanned out on the pillow

I moved above her and she whispered my name

Then we were embracing, skin on skin, and she eagerly kissed me

What ecstasy it was, touching and learning her body, feeling her legs wrap around me, her hands in my hair

She was so wet

And when I entered her, nothing else felt more right in the galaxy

Hearing her moaning my name made me so hard

When we came, we came together, time stopped and the Force sang

She told me she loved me and I told her that I’d never leave. 

I awoke longing for her. 

She broke through the nightmares - nothing else ever has.

If ever I could be with a woman, it would have to be her because I will have no other.

She burns so bright with the Light!

And I am weak, I feel her pull.

The power she could yield with the Dark could rival even the greatest Sith.

But...she wouldn’t be the same.

Is that truly what I want?

All I know is that I want her.

If I offer my hand to her, I know she’ll take it, but she will come to me.

Together we can transform the First Order into something better.

No more child conscripts.

We will ensure stability through more peaceful means.

The galaxy will know peace.

So perhaps she doesn’t need to turn - we could find balance.

The rule of Dark and Light fading to Grey...

Her body’s involuntary reaction to reading about his dream caused a heat to pool deep within her. Rey re-read the sequence over and over again. She was thoroughly aroused; it took all she had to not tear down the barricade against Ben and go rushing to him to sate her growing need.

Ben was not gone, and she could save him yet. There was a way, but it would take her going to him - and soon - to soothe his awful and growing despair. She would need to tell Leia after all, not leaving anything out.


	3. Confessions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey fess’s up, but those boys don’t need to know!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun chapter to write! Hope you enjoy :)
> 
> Musical inspiration: https://youtu.be/5anLPw0Efmo

“Whatcha got there?”

Rey blushed a deep crimson, snapping the book closed quickly. “Oh, nothing, just Jedi stuff,” she replied hurriedly, her voice an octave higher than normal.

Rose cocked an eyebrow. “Really? Looks more like you just got caught reading a steamy romance.”

“Oh what?!? No. No, no, no. Just boring Jedi stuff.”

The petite brunette laughed. “Rey, it’s ok. My sister and I used to read them. And we’d look just like you did when our mother caught us.”

Looking down to hide her embarrassment, Rey muttered “So...maybe it’s something like that.”

“Ah ha!” Rose quickly sat down beside Rey. “So, which one is it? Hot nights on Hoth? Meet me on Naboo? Oh no, wait - I bet it’s The Man from Chandrila!!!”

Rey’s eyes widened. “No, stop!”

“Oh come on, we’re both girls. Let’s see,” Rose giggled as she snatched the book from Rey’s hands.

“Rose!!” Rey hissed, trying to get the book back. But Rose was laughing now, twisting around as Rey grabbed at the volume.

Two pilots were approaching, walking on the path towards Rey and Rose. Rey tried to look normal, and Rose immediately opened the book, using this distraction as her chance.

“Holy KRIFF Rey, what the hell?!?” Rose had opened the book right a part where he had sketched her lounging on a bed, nude. Then, she started reading the dream sequence. Rey tried to grab the book again, as the pilots had passed them by, but Rose had started walking as she was reading, wide eyed and mind blown.

Rey was mortified, again. “Rose, stop! _Please_!”

She did, and slowly turned back to Rey. “Rey...um...WOW. Did...you know...did _he_ write this?”

“Um, yeah.”

A low whistle. “Rey...this is,” Rey was so nervous the secret would get out. Would Rose tell Finn? Oh by the Force...

“This is really private. And very um...mind blowing? Where did you find this?” Rose closed the diary and handed it back to Rey.

“It’s a long story.”

Rose hummed in response. “Well, sounds like you could use some girl talk. Hang out after dinner?”

“I...” Rey knew that Rose wouldn’t let this go. Defeated, she nodded. “Alright. I’ll be on the Falcon.”

***

“Sooooo, Kylo Ren, huh?”

“Umm, yeah. Ben.” Rey tried not to meet Rose’s eyes. They were sitting cross legged facing each other on the bunk. She wasn’t used to talking about this kind of thing, because nothing like this had ever happened to her before.

Rose exhaled loudly. “Well, not judging, but really?!?”

“Rose, it’s hard to explain. You see, we have a...connection...through the Force. It’s like it’s pulling us together. We kind of understand each other.”

“I’d say it goes a bit further than _that_. This must be so confusing, but it’s obvious he’s in love with you.” Rose placed her hand over Rey’s.

Rey nodded silently.

“Whoa, what did I miss? Who’s in love?”

“General Organa!!” Rey went white as a sheet as she quickly hid the diary behind her back. “No one, we just, ahhh...”

Leia put her hand up to stop her. “Just Leia right now,” she said, making herself comfortable on the opposite bunk. “Sounds like some juicy girl talk. Room for one more?” She teased playfully, trying to put the girls at ease.

Rey and Rose just stared, mouths agape and speechless.

“So, Rose - I take it that Rey told you about that journal she’s trying to hide behind her back?”

“N-no! Actually I saw her reading it earlier and thought it was one of those steamy books...so I - I grabbed it.” Rose babbled.

Leia chuckled. “Oh, I see. Well, did you read it?”

“Ummmm yeah. But not all of it! Just a page. And I saw some of the sketches.”

Rey sputtered and Leia’s eyebrows flew up. “Drawings? Like technical schematics? This is my son’s journal, isn’t it? Sounds innocent enough.”

“Well,” Rey spoke up nervously, “Not really. It’s ah - well, it’s more like a diary. A very personal diary.”

Leia eyes grew wide as she went silent. Her face was unreadable. Then she held out her hand. “Show me.”

The girls looked at each other, both feeling like they both just got caught with their hands in the cookie jar. Rey quietly passed the diary over to Leia, who opened it up, removed the bookmark, and began to read. Rey buried her head in her hands. Rose sympathetically rubbed her back in support.

After a few minutes, Leia closed the book and cleared her throat. “Well, my son is certainly - expressive. Must take after his grandfather, because Han was never like that with me.”

Shocked, Rey looked up to see an amused look on Leia’s face. “That’s all you have to say! I’m over here dying of embarrassment, and...”

“My dear, it’s ok. Don’t be embarrassed - this could actually be a very good thing. He was speaking of how a balance could be achieved - if you hadn’t have come along, he never would have entertained the thought! Let me hear your side of the story.”

“That was before Crait though. You read that last entry. He’s in a really bad place right now!”

“He’s like that because he thinks he’s lost you. He’s screaming for help,” Rose interjected softly. “Has he tried to communicate with you?”

Rey nodded, guilt etched and her face and eyes downcast. “Last night. But after we evacuated Crait, I blocked him out.”

Leia looked thoughtful. “How do _you_ feel about him Rey?”

She closed her eyes, and decided that complete honesty was the best course here. She knew she was safe with Leia and Rose. “I care...a lot about him. I don’t know why the Force has connected us in this way, but it’s like I’ve felt him all along. Forever. Like we’re somehow meant to be together. One day, six or seven years ago, I was in the desert with Unkar Plutt scavenging. I became very cold, and a felt a deep... _something_...rip through my very self. I believe that was the day that Ben turned.”

Leia nodded sadly. “And what do your feelings tell you to do?”

Rey looked at Leia and held her gaze. “That I need to go to him.”

“Wait! You can’t! It’s too dangerous, Rey!” Rose exclaimed.

The young Jedi shook her head. “He won’t harm me. You read as much.”

“I agree with Rey,” Leia said. “The sooner she gets to him, the better. If he has too long to stew over what happened after Crait, the worse it will be for him - and all of us.” 

Standing up, the older woman turned serious. “Girls, I’m going to tell you something that cannot leave this room. The Resistance cannot continue. We have no ships, only a handful of people and no supplies. If there is any chance that some kind of balance can be achieved, we must try. It will not be easy. There will be those in the Order - and within the Resistance - who will not agree with Ben’s philosophy. But Rey,” Leia knelt down and gathered Rey’s hands into hers, “If you can help him to see that meeting halfway - the Grey - is your shared destiny, then peace may yet be achieved.”

“Yes,” whispered Rey, her eyes slightly unfocused. “I can feel it.”

Rose looked to Leia, who smiled reassuringly at her. Shaking her head, she said, “The boys won’t like this plan.”

“The ‘Boys’ don’t need to know. Not yet anyway, and definitely not what’s in that diary,” Leia chuckled.

Nodding, Rose squeezed Rey’s hand. “So what are you going to do?”

Rey exhaled nervously. “I will open the bond and speak with him tonight. Then, I will need to go to him in person.”

“Where?!?”

“Ahch-To,” Leia replied. “In the morning, I will help you repair my father’s lightsaber. You will take it with you and offer it to Ben as a sign of goodwill. The gesture will not escape him. A saber of your own is waiting for you there, in Luke’s hut.”

***

Leia and Rose left, leaving Rey alone. She was nervous about seeing Ben, but the Force was guiding her and she knew it was the right thing to do. Hoping that she’d find him alone, Rey began dismantling the barrier she had erected against Ben. Then, taking a deep breath, she opened the connection. There was no resistance.

He was there, unmoving on the edge of his bed with his elbows on his knees and head in his hands. Slowly, as if not to scare away a wounded animal, Rey moved close and knelt in front of him. She knew he was in a fragile state of mind, and that she’d have to work to help him out of it.

He let out an agonized sob, but still didn’t look up. “Go! You are not real, this is a trick. Stop haunting me like this, you’re not really here.”

“Ben,” Rey whispered quietly as she gently put her hands on his forearms. “It’s me. Feel this? I’m here.”

He sat there a moment, shaking silently. Slowly, he lowered his hands, which Rey took into hers. His eyes were red rimmed and dark circles stood out prominently from his fair skin. Searching her face for a moment, he breathed “Rey...”

She gazed sorrowfully at the evidence of his pain. Gently caressing the back of his hand with her thumb, she quietly spoke. “Ben. I’m so sorry. I told you that you weren’t alone, and I failed you. I should have been stronger.” 

He stared, confused. “It was me, not you. My whole life has been mistake upon mistake. I caused this.”

“No,” she said firmly, shaking her head. She held his hand tighter. “The two of us, together, will find a way. I’ll not leave you again.”

“What are you saying?” 

Rey held his gaze with steady determination. “Balance, Ben. We will meet in the middle of Dark and Light.”

He inhaled unsteadily, his eyes holding a small glimmer of hope. “The Grey...” he whispered, leaning closer. He rested his forehead on hers. 

She nodded. “Yes Ben. If anyone can do this, it’s us. Can you feel it? The Force is guiding us.” 

He closed his eyes, relaxing his features as he reached out. “I feel it.”

“Here,” pulling back slightly, she reached into her breastband and pulled out a data chip. She pressed it into his palm. He looked at it curiously, a look of awe passing over his face. “I wasn’t sure that would work...but had a feeling I’d be able to pass it to you. It contains a set of coordinates,” she explained.

Ben looked up. “Coordinates?”

“Yes. Would you agree to meet with me in one standard day? Just us, no others.” Rey’s voice trembled slightly with her last few words as she recalled _that _journal entry.__

__His eyes never left hers as he nodded slightly. “Yes,” he whispered._ _


	4. Before the Dawn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo does what Kylo does...but this time, with a different goal in mind. He knows what he needs to do.

He sat in the dark of his quarters, his anguish growing minute by minute. Rey had remained silent, and he had no way to reach her. Not that he deserved the chance. He was a monster. But why was the Force so persistent? His pull to her, coupled with his visions, continued to grow in intensity. Was there more to come? He believed so, but what that thing was he was no longer certain. The fulfilment of his visions seemed an impossibility, a wholly unreachable goal. He had tried again to reach out to her, his only light in the depths of the dark, yet she remained silent. He couldn’t even write, because he couldn’t find where he left his diary. It was likely gone, assumed to be trash by the droids who came last time to repair and clean his demolished quarters. 

And so, the ugly voice in his mind continued to enforce the self-hatred he felt, adding to the years deteriorating mental health. Snoke, even though dead, seemed to still taunt him every waking hour.

He saw his father’s face as he impaled him with his lightsaber; felt his hand on his cheek. Saw the man who had sat him as a boy on his lap in the cockpit of the Millennium Falcon falling, over and over again. He felt his mother’s pain and grief surge through the Force. He saw Rey, calling him a monster. He had thought that by killing Han Solo, any remaining part of Ben Solo would also be vanquished, exorcised from within. He couldn’t have been further from the truth.

But the next day, it all changed.

It was early morning aboard ship when he felt the Force shift around him. He had barely slept in the three days since Crait and his nightmares had returned with a vengeance. Believing the presence before him was just a trick of his sleep-deprived and fragmented mind, he begged out loud for it to stop. But this was no trick. It was her, she had come to him, softly speaking his name.

He sat there a moment. Could it really be her? Could he trust his own mind anymore? Slowly he lowered his hands, which she took into hers, and he looked up to see the woman with whom his destiny was forever intertwined. She was so beautiful; his heart broke seeing her. “Rey...”

Her touch was like a balm for his broken soul. It was such a simple thing, but it was everything. Tears came to his eyes as she quietly began to speak. “Ben. I’m so sorry. I told you that you weren’t alone, and I failed you. I should have been stronger.”

He stared, confused. She was apologizing to him? “It was me, not you. My whole life has been mistake upon mistake. I caused this.”

“No,” she said, shaking her head. Her hands tightened on his. “The two of us, together, will find a way. I’ll not leave you again.”

“What are you saying?” He couldn’t help the surge of hope that began to grow and swell up within him.

She held his gaze, and he knew she was speaking her truth. “Balance, Ben. We will meet in the middle of Dark and Light.”

He inhaled unsteadily, daring to feel the beginning of belief in his visions; what the Force had been guiding him to all along. “The Grey...” he whispered, leaning in. He touched his forehead against hers, wanting to be as close to her as possible, for as long as the Force allowed it.

Her warmth was so soothing. He wanted to be with her forever. “Yes Ben. If anyone can do this, it’s us. Can you feel it? The Force is guiding us.”

He closed his eyes, and nodded. “I feel it.”

“Here,” she pulled back slightly and reached into her clothing, pulling out a data chip. She pressed it into his palm. He looked at it curiously, amazed at how she was able to give this object to him, though they were light years from each other. “I wasn’t sure that would work...but had a feeling I’d be able to pass it to you. It contains a set of coordinates,” she said.

He looked up. “Coordinates?”

“Yes. Would you agree to meet with me in one standard day? Just us, no others.” Her determined look wavered slightly as a light pink blushed her cheeks. He could feel her tremble slightly as she spoke.

His eyes never left hers as he nodded slightly. “Yes,” he whispered.

She smiled at him, such a dazzling and wonderful sight, and then he felt the Force pulling her away; the connection broke shortly after that. Though he felt sorrow that things ended so quickly, Ben felt a weight lifting from his shoulders. A new hope burned within him - she hadn’t abandoned him. She came to him, and he would see her soon. Ben stood up, knowing what had to be done, and also that there wasn’t much time to do it. He set to making his plans.

***

Ben started with having his mask reforged, because keeping his true identity secret was extremely important if he wanted any sort of future with Rey. Not many knew what he looked like, and he was determined to keep it that way. 

Moving quickly, he froze all the Order’s credit banks and then changed the fleet command codes. Then he summoned the Knights of Ren, assembling them in the large room they used as a training facility. Ben knew that they were loyal to the Dark exclusively and would never shift to the Grey.

Standing in the middle of the room, he let the Knights whom Snoke had gifted him circle around their prey. They could already sense his shifting Force signature, like bleeding prey to a predator, and were more than happy to dispose of their master. He let them try - and try they did, landing a few superficial blows, but they couldn’t best him. He channeled the force, and if anyone had been there watching him fight, they would have called it beautiful - save for the scene of carnage at the end.

Then he set in motion the next part of his plan. After having the medical droid tend to his wounds (which was nothing new and a very normal part of Kylo Ren’s routine) he called a meeting, requiring all the senior officers in the fleet to attend. Choosing a high level meeting room, Ben quickly made his way to the control panel, disengaged the communication system, and set to override the locking protocols. Once he had everyone in there, no one could call for help, and no one could get in or out. They would be trapped. After everyone gathered in the closed boardroom a couple hours later, it wasn’t hard to fly into a dark Force rage and destroy all those who reminded him of his awful past. As he wielded his blade and executed officer upon officer, he knew the bounty hunters he dispatched earlier were finishing the job for him, disposing of anyone else who may stand in the way of his plan - such as commanding officers of occupied planets, and supply depots. Bounty hunters would do anything for a price.

Nothing could keep her from him now. Rey was all he could think of while he did all he needed to do to ensure the fleet and the Order would remain loyal - and benign - until he returned. He saved the public execution of General Hux, whom he had detained earlier, for all his troops to witness until later in the day, on the main hanger deck. 

“As your Supreme Leader, I demand complete loyalty. I am not to be questioned, nor fooled. Today is a new day,” he looked out over his men, his menacing tone amplified through his modulator, holo-vid cameras buzzing about capturing the scene. “Until such a time that I choose to install your new chain of command, you are all answerable to me. These are your orders: all conscription programs are to be ceased, mining operations halted, and all occupying forces are to be recalled. Do I make myself clear?” 

“Yes, sir!” came the thunderous reply from the deck below him. These were men and women who were loyal, trained well to answer without question.

Kylo ignited his saber, dropping down into a fighting stance. He noticed with satisfaction the wide eyed, fearful looks - and rightly so, for no one wanted for themselves what was about to happen.

If Armitage Hux had been thought to be a crazy man before, he most certainly was known to be now.

Two stormtroopers flanked him, dragging the screaming, flailing man onto the platform. “Traitor! Ren is a traitor!” he spat, trying to wrestle free of his captors.

“It is you that are the traitor. And now I will demonstrate what happens to those who are disloyal to me,” Ren said, waving the stormtroopers off. Immediately Hux tried to run, but Kylo caught him with the Force and pulled him, choking, closer. He held him there as he circled his prey, coming close behind him to whisper so only Hux would hear. “You’ve no idea how long I’ve wanted to do his.” Whipping around, bringing his lightsaber into a high arc, he sliced down and through Hux’s shoulder and out the other side at his hip. 

Controlling his breathing, he straightened and addressed the gathered crowd. “I WILL BE OBEYED!” With that, he stalked off the platform towards the privacy of his chambers to gather his bag. It was time to go.

***

He chose to take his TIE whisper; the ship was comfortable and fast. It wasn’t a long flight from where the fleet was, and before he knew it, a shrill alarm alerted him that it was time to disengage the hyperdrive. 

The planet snapped into view below him, and he prepared for atmospheric flight. Vast blue oceans dotted with islands lay beneath him. Ben immediately knew this place - he had seen it in Rey’s mind. The Island. He felt the power emanating from it - a vergence, he realized. This was a very old, very sacred place. The place where Luke had run away to.

She was close, he could feel her. Maneuvering the TIE down to land, Ben had to calm the sudden surge of anxiety threatening to overwhelm him when he saw the Falcon - of course it was what she flew there in, there was likely nothing else available that she could take. She didn’t fly it here to throw it in his face, he knew that. But it was still hard to look at.

He jumped out of the cockpit and slung his pack over his shoulder. It was cooling off, and rain was beginning to fall, but he saw the inviting glow of a fire coming through one of the hut’s windows. His heart began to pound as he walked toward it. The door opened, and her silhouette appeared to greet him. 

“Rey...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let’s try to give Ben the happy ending he deserves! Comments? Hope you guys are enjoying this. I had originally intended Ch 1 to be a one-shot...so I hope you like what I’ve done so far :)
> 
> Musical inspiration: Life is Beautiful by Sixx A.M.  
> https://youtu.be/UJIDbxGrRqc


	5. The Code

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flowing through all, there is balance
> 
> There is no peace without a passion to create  
> There is no passion without peace to guide  
> Knowledge fades without the strength to act  
> Power blinds without the serenity to see
> 
> There is freedom in life  
> There is purpose in death
> 
> The Force is all things and I am the Force

She sensed him coming long before hearing the scream of his TIE whisper slicing through the sky. Stoking the fire she had built, she took a deep breath to try to calm herself. She was full of nervous anticipation; though not all together sure of what this night could bring, it still caused butterflies in her stomach, flipping and fluttering in a delicious way.

Her hours of solitude during the flight had allowed Rey some time to explore the depths of her feelings towards Ben. She couldn’t hide from the truth - the truth that she felt the same way about him as he did her. Last night had just solidified the feeling that they were meant to be together.

Leia had sent her on her way with some rations and additional provisions for which Rey was thankful. She didn’t find fish very appetizing, and really didn’t want to resort to roasting porgs. She quickly skewered some chunks of meat and vegetables, placing them on a spit above the fire. 

Also tucked in the bags that Leia gave her were some warmer clothes and blankets. Rey protested this at first, but Leia wouldn’t take no for an answer, so now Rey had a few clothing options at her disposal. After settling in the hut she chose - not Luke’s old one of course - she had changed into a dress. It was an item she didn’t normally wear, but this one appealed to her. It was light brown, simple and flowing, with laces at the bodice and a slit up the side for ease of movement. Rey didn’t think that this was something that Leia would have normally worn, but through her years of adventure the rebel hero surely would have amassed many items from the various planets she visited. This one looked vaguely tribal. Leaving her hair down, Rey felt ready for what was to come.

It was nightfall, and rain clouds were starting to close in. Rey rose from her place by the fire, contemplating how she came upon Kylo’s diary. It happened during meditation; she hadn’t meant for her defences against the bond to slip, but slip they did. She found herself in a darkened room, Kylo’s apparently. He was not there, but the evidence of his last rage lay in ruin about the floor. Wondering why the Force had chosen to show her this, she looked at the pile of rubble - his desk, from the looks of it - only to find a book under a splintered plank. This is what she was meant to see. Nervous that he would sense her, she quickly closed the bond once again. She felt guilty about having to keep such a secret, but told herself again that the diary had come to her for a reason. And it was a good reason - one that may bring peace, finally, to the Galaxy. Smoothing her dress self-consciously and throwing a shawl over her head to keep the light rain off, she opened the door to her hut. He had arrived. 

“Rey...” his voice came from the darkness, speaking her name with reverence.

“Ben,” she breathed. 

He stood watching her for a moment, his eyes moving down her body, betraying his longing and desire. But mixed with that was also a deep sadness; a loneliness haunting his gaze. 

Her breath caught. Seeing him so vulnerable again tore at her heart. Rey’s very being was defined by compassion, and she deeply felt for this damaged man. What she wouldn’t give to have known him prior to his fall. Swallowing, she found her voice. “Come, let’s get inside before it really starts pouring.” She motioned to him to follow her into the small warm hut. Rey walked towards the fire and Ben followed quietly, closing the door behind them.

“You’re wearing a dress,” he remarked softly, albeit a little awkwardly, as he dropped his bag down at his feet. He sat down on one of the stools by the fire. 

“Oh - yes. Leia felt I needed more clothes, so she gave me some her things,” she replied, somewhat self- consciously as she sat. “I don’t really have much.”

He hummed absently. “It suits you.”

“Thank you. I quite like it.” 

Wondering if Rey knew the significance of the garment she wore, he decided she didn’t. Ironic, and likely orchestrated by Leia - the dress was the one his mother had worn on Endor, while the Rebellion celebrated the defeat of the Empire.

Rey laughed nervously, feeling the heat rise in her cheeks as Ben regarded her. “Such a silly thing...having so many choices of what to wear. It seems very frivolous to me.” She said as she turned the spit, focussing on not burning the dinner she was preparing.

“If my mother has anything to say on the matter, you’ll inherit plenty more.” 

“I suppose, but I don’t see when I’d ever have the opportunity to wear them.” She was having trouble looking him in the eye.

“That’s something we’ll have to remedy.”

“You look nice,” she said, deflecting the conversation. She didn’t understand why she was so nervous, but the way he was looking at her was calling up memories of how his diary entries affected her. “Not wearing your normal attire, I see.”

“No. I don’t need to wear that anymore.”

“Anymore?”

“No. It’s over Rey. I finished it.” Stunned, Rey’s head snapped up to regard him. “What do you mean?” 

He stood up and circled the fire, and knelt at her side. “Rey....After Snoke and Crait, I never thought I’d see you again. You have no idea what that did to me. I felt as if my very soul was ripped away. But now I think I know why the Force has been joining us; I wouldn’t let myself believe it before,” swallowing thickly, he continued. “There are stories - more like legends, that speak of two souls that are one, forever searching for each other and not ever happy or complete until they come together. It’s so rare that throughout time there have only been a few examples of this. It’s called a Dyad. Force bonds are common enough, but this is much more than a bond. This is why the Force has brought us together, Rey. We are each one half that makes up a whole. We have known each other before.”

Rey’s eyes widened, her mouth opening to speak. Ben held up his hand to interrupt her. “Wait, there’s more. The Dyad is said to hold a power like life itself, bringing balance to the Force. There is no dark or light specifically, rather a balance of both - a sort of in-between. This is why the Jedi and Sith practices were flawed. Both trains of thought were so rigid, so black or white, that they were always doomed to failure. For a time, there were those known as the Grey Jedi. They did not believe there was a dark or light side - they believed there was only the Force,” his eyes dropped momentarily as he worked his jaw. “They worked to achieve balance without denying passion, emotion or chaos. 

“I will never truly be rid of the dark within, I don’t think anyone can deny the existence of those thoughts and feelings, but I can achieve balance - because of you. Because of what we are together. The last time I offered you my hand, I was so sure you’d take it. I saw it happening, as clearly as I'm seeing you now. But since then, I’ve felt our bond changing - deepening, the Force pushing me closer towards you, and my visions changed. I began seeing it in another way. I know I can never be forgiven for the things I’ve done, and most of all I don’t deserve your light.” His voice cracked, his eyes shining with tears. “I took control - full control of the Order. All the high ranking officers have been taken care of. Everything is ready to be handed over to her - to my mother and the Resistance, to dismantle and disband. They await my order, and I will return there with her to finish it.”

A tear ran down Rey’s cheek as she reached out and grasped his hand. Ben looked down in wonder, her small hand holding his. Before when they touched, it was like raw electricity, but now it felt warm and right. The Force hummed about them. 

“I’ll go with you.”

Shaking his head, he caressed her hand. “No. I don’t want them to see you with the monster. I will go as Kylo Ren so they will obey my final command. Once I leave there, it’s for good. I will need...to find somewhere to go, to find myself again and to come to terms with everything.”

Rey looked down to their joined hands. “For many years, I was alone. I always held on to the belief that my parents would come back, but after awhile awful thoughts crept into my head. Was I not good enough? Was I a burden? Why did they abandon me? After a time, I came to believe that I would always be alone, with no family, no friends. I would scavenge wrecks until I couldn’t anymore and then I’d die of starvation or exposure. But all along, in the back of my mind, I knew that someone out there was waiting for me. I could feel it even then. And now that we’re here, together, I feel like I’ve come home. I could never be a true Jedi without attachment. I’ve always been meant to be a part of you.” 

He nodded, tears tracing down his cheeks. 

“When you come back, I will take your hand and stand by your side. We can stay here as long as we need to. The Force does not punish or reward us. It simply is. And this is what it wills.” She reached down into a bag on the floor, pulled out the Skywalker lightsaber, and placed it in Ben’s hands.

He held the saber, sobbing, and quietly whispered, “There must be both dark and light. I will do what I must to keep the balance, as the balance is what holds all life. There is no good without evil, but evil must not be allowed to flourish. There is passion, yet peace; serenity, yet emotion; chaos, yet order. I am a wielder of the flame; a champion of balance. I am a guardian of life. I am a Grey Jedi.” 

Feeling as though her heart may burst, Ray raised her hand and traced his cheek, thumbing his tears away. Then, leaning down, she kissed him.

Still kneeling before her, Ben put his other arm around her back, wanting her closer. Rey followed suit, weaving her fingers through his hair, delighting in how it felt to be in his arms. “Forever, Ben. Forever,” she sighed. In one deft move, he lifted her up as he stood, her legs wrapping around his waist as she silently thanked Leia for the extra bedding. 


End file.
